Lately I’ve had this fantasy about selling everything I own and disappearing. And I mean really disappearing—disappearing from Denver, from my job, from family and friends, and even, and most importantly, from myself. I dream of hitchhiking to another country, changing my name, giving up every interest or mannerism that ever defined me, and starting over.
Of course I won’t do it; I’m too encumbered and attached to my lifestyle to give everything up. But I don’t think I’ll ever be happy until I can. At the same time, when, or if, I’m ever capable of disappearing, I probably won’t fantasize about it.
Wasting time..
2 months ago
6 comments:
Shane,
This fantasy of yours is interesting. It could be depression, but it could also be inherent. Over the course of my life I’ve had a similar fantasy many times. I try to ignore it, but it goes on and on. It hasn’t returned for quite some time now, but it seems always on the fringe of my consciousness. I am reassured that this is apparently not just something about me. I wonder how many others have experienced this. Is it perhaps a part of the male psyche or maybe even the human psyche?
It could be a recognition that we are shaped by our surroundings. Our determination to dominate would not find that acceptable and would perhaps attempt to rectify it by self help remedies (there are many books trying to cash in on that reaction and even religion to some extent) or by changing our surroundings and even denying the self molded by those surroundings. Nothing, however, really changes the fact that we are shaped by our surroundings. I quote an old cliché, “We can run but we cannot hide.” Still, I did find the fantasy comforting and in some strange way challenging.
I have never really sought happiness. I suspect it is misleading at best and at worst unobtainable. I am not unhappy though I have vivid memories of other times. Comfort is a goal I admit to, though it can be overdone to my own detriment.
You haven’t written many blogs since you returned from Mexico. I hope you are well and I do miss your blogs.
Hey Paul,
It's nice to hear from you again. And thanks for the concern. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definately in a bit of a funk, lately, and I haven't felt motivated to do much blogging. I think, in part, that I need some incubation time before I'm ready to be social again--or to blog, do theater, or do anything 'public'. My 'fantasy' is probably related to an urge to purge myself of a few things--to go through a 'little death', so to speak, in hopes of achieving a kind of renewal on the other side. That's probably why I need to incubate for awhile.
What about you? How have you been?
One more thing. I like what you said about not seeking happiness. You're right. Happiness is a misleading and unobtainable goal that I think stems from values instilled in us by "ownership culture" (having a desire to attain something rather than experience it). It really bugs me when people equate awareness of social issues with negativity. Being aware and troubled or sad about something is not the same as being unhappy or depressed. I wish people could figure that out. What goes for happiness in our culture is really distraction more than anything else. Being drugged and numbed to the world's (and your own) problems isn't my idea of being happy.
My own fantasy:
I remember watching a PBS thing on a few families who live in the ALaskan wilderness. During the winter (which was, of course, was quite long) the only way out was a long and dangerous snowmobile treck. For some of the families they pretty much stayed put for months at a time--doing some trapping but prett much riding out the winter in a one room cabin. All summer they prepared for the winter. I was seduced by the simpleness of their existence--very little choice and very little room for error. Such a directness in their activities.
Of course any realistic speculation on the feasibility of such a life lasted about a minute, but I've continued to think back to it several times each year since seeing the program.
Hey Shane,
Let's do a meal together, or a hike or a walk around the lake or pull some weeds! Just say when :)
I would like to discuss this "fantasy" with you in person....
Note to Ron: I saw that PBS show too and had a mixed response to it. On the one hand, wanted to live in the Alaskan wilderness in a very focused manner, on the other hand seriously questioning whether I could even survive it. We seem equally spoiled by our riches and repulsed by many of the results.
On a more upbeat note, it is gratifying to see someone transform their home into an energy efficient dwelling while communicating outwardly clean lines, a yard that co-exists naturally with the environment and simple pleasures by the occupants and their close friends.
Shane,
PBA seems to have shut down. I'm in the process of moving my posts and the responses to them to pauledwardsnyder.blogspot.com.
I'll keep accessing your web page. Let me know if the new address works.
Thanks.
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